"If it weren't for the penis, human life would have ended with Adam and Eve.
It seems strange that something so important is so funny-looking.
I'm an author and journalist. Sometimes I write about funny things.
Some of those funny things are penises."
--Michael N. Marcus

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

If you play with your penis your hands will get pregnant

A Muslim televangelist has warned the world's masturbators during a live TV interview that their hands will become pregnant in the afterlife.

Mucahid Cihad Han made the comment after a questioner confessed that he kept masturbating even though he was married.
Han, who has over 12,500 followers on Twitter, urged him to "resist Satan’s temptations," adding: "Moreover, one hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife."

He didn't specify whether this means that your hands would have babies, or lots of tiny little hands.

In a similarly baffling claim, an Iranian cleric earlier this month said that earthquakes are caused by promiscuous women.


Photo from beesomebody.wordpress.com

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Penis clipping federal lawsuit, updated

Heather Hironimus and Dennis Nebus are fixated on their son’s foreskin. It is an obsession that has bound them together long beyond the end of their relationship. Nebus believes their 4-1/2-year-old son, Chase Ryan Nebus-Hironimus [the name needs to be clipped], should be circumcised for medical reasons. Hironimus believes circumcision is barbaric genital mutilation. Nebus has gone to court to get his son circumcised. Hironimus has gone to jail to prevent it. Their dispute is easily the weirdest, saddest, most disturbing battle yet in the war over circumcision.

Hironimus and Nebus had little luck in love. The Florida couple never married, and they separated about a year after Chase was born. As part of their separation, both Hironimus and Nebus signed a formal “parenting plan” approved by a judge. One portion of this plan specified that Nebus would take Chase to be circumcised and cover the costs. At the time, Hironimus agreed to this stipulation.

Nebus put off the circumcision until December of 2013—when he saw Chase, then 3, urinating on his leg. A pediatrician suggested Chase’s foreskin was too tight and should be removed. Later, a urologist questioned that diagnosis, but agreed that Chase would benefit generally from a circumcision. When Nebus informed Hironimus of the impending procedure, however, Hironimus balked. Since signing the parenting plan two years earlier, Hironimus had become an intactivist—an anti-circumcision activist who believes the removal of a child’s foreskin constitutes child abuse and a human rights violation.

When Hironimus refused to allow the procedure to go forward, Nebus took her to court to enforce the contract she had signed. A state court sided with Nebus, noting that their parenting plan “clearly and unambiguously provides” that Chase would be circumcised. An appeals court unanimously affirmed the ruling, and a judge ordered Hironimus to turn Chase over to Nebus so he could schedule the procedure. Hironimus instead disappeared with her son. The judge then issued a warrant for her arrest for interfering with child custody. For weeks Hironimus escaped arrest by hiding with Chase in a domestic violence shelter. (Hironimus has not claimed that she was abused.) While hiding out, Hironimus filed a federal lawsuit against Nebus, asserting that, by having Chase circumcised, Nebus would violate his son’s constitutional rights. Eventually, the police discovered Hironimus’ whereabouts, took her into custody, and turned Chase over to Nebus.

From her jail cell, Hironimus filed an emergency motion in federal court to prevent Nebus from having Chase circumcised. When a federal judge essentially laughed Hironimus out of court, she withdrew her federal suit. A state judge ruled that Hironimus will remain in jail until she signs the consent form for Chase to be circumcised. On Friday a weeping Hironimus signed the form. She still faces criminal charges for absconding with Chase in violation of her custody agreement.


Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Most men's penises dangle to the left

Men whose flaccid penises hang to the left—and that’s the majority—may be “left-brain dominant,” suggests research published in Human Reproduction

Left-brain dominance is also tied to right-handedness, a larger right foot than left, and other body asymmetry, the study reports.

The left brain hemisphere plays a large role in speaking, logic, and mathematical computations.

The right brain is big when it comes to spatial and visual information, and pulling meaning from a person’s words and tone.

If your dick dangles to the left, that could help explain why you’re great at algebra but not at guessing your girlfriend’s mood.


Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Calm water makes your penis longer (if you're a barnacle)

Barnacles spend their lives glued to rocks, which makes mingling with other barnacles rather difficult. That’s one reason they have penises that are up to 40 times their size –- the biggest penises in the animal kingdom.

The hermaphroditic animals regrow their penises each year, just before their brief mating season.

A study found that water conditions change the shape and size of barnacle dicks.
  • In calm water, barnacles grow long and flexible penises.
  • Choppy conditions lead to stockier, muscle-bound weenies.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Mommy kidnaps son to avoid circumcision, gets busted

A Florida woman who fled to avoid the circumcision of her son was arrested Thursday for contempt of court.

Heather Hironimus went missing with her four-year-old child nearly three months ago, as her long court battle against the surgery reached its climax. Though her defenders said she was simply doing what she could to protect a child portrayed as “scared to death” of the procedure, a judge issued a scalding rebuke for her refusal to appear in court, charging her with contempt and issuing an arrest warrant.

Hironimus and the boy’s father, Dennis Nebus, have been warring since her pregnancy. They were never married but share custody of their child, and in a parenting agreement filed in court, the two agreed to the boy’s circumcision.

The mother later changed her mind, though, giving way to a long legal battle. Circuit and appellate judges have sided with the father, but potential surgeons have backed out after failing to get the mother’s consent and being targeted by anti-circumcision protesters.

Last month, out of options in state courts, Hunker filed a federal civil rights complaint on behalf of the child.

Circumcision rates have fallen in the U.S., but a majority of boys still undergo the removal of their foreskin. Even so, a bubbling movement of so-called “intactivists” has made the case a rallying cry against a surgery they view as barbaric.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Would you like to have a 17-inch penis? Be a duck.

The Argentine lake duck has something to quack about. Its penis can be 17 inches long, proportionally the longest of all vertebrates. It's especially impressive among birds: Most male birds don't have penises, and instead mate by briefly touching genital openings with females.

The Argentine lake duck has a corkscrew-shaped appendage, which mirrors the female’s oppositely corkscrewed vagina. No one knows why this duck evolved a gigantic member, but some researchers have speculated that the giant penis may be an example of "runaway" sexual selection, where female preference drives male anatomy to extremes, as in the peacock's tail.


Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Horny man gives new meaning to "that fucking car"

We've all heard of people who love their cars, but a guy, apparently in Brazil, took his affection to a higher-than-normal level.

He was caught having sex with a car's exhaust tailpipe.

A 29-second video clip shows the fully-clothed man ferociously humping a silver two-door car even as he realizes he's being recorded. We're not sure if the car's warranty covers pipe-cleaning.

I like cars. I've even loved a few. But if I was horny in Brazil, I'd head for the beach at Ipanema (above).


Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Women want thicker penises for flings than for life

For one-night stands, size does matter, but it's not penis length that women are concerned about — it's girth, a new study suggests.

In the study, 41 women viewed and handled artificial penises made on a 3D printer. The models were blue, and ranged in size from 4 inches long and 2.5 inches in circumference to 8.5 inches long and 7 inches in circumference. They were asked to pick which of the 33 models they would prefer for a one-time partner, and which they would prefer for a long-term partner.

For one night stands, women selected penis models with slightly larger girth, on average, than those they selected for long-term relationships.

But there was no difference in length between the penises they preferred for one-time partners versus those they preferred for long-term partners: In either case, women tended to choose penises that were about 6.5 inches long.

The vagina has many pressure-sensitive nerve endings that detect sensations of stretching, and these sensors may be finely tuned to detect variations in penis girth, the researchers said. A penis with larger girth may also bring the clitoris closer to the vagina during sex, which has been suggested to help with achieving orgasm.

On the other hand, longer penis length may lead to cervical pain, said study researcher Shannon Leung, an undergraduate in biology at the University of California, Los Angeles, who presented the findings last month at the meeting of the Association for Psychological Science in San Francisco.

In a second part of the new study, women were given one of the penis models and allowed to examine it for 30 seconds. They were then asked to pick that same model from a bin of 33 models, either immediately or after completing a 10-minute survey (to allow time to pass).

After completing the 10-minute survey, women tended to overestimate the size of the penis they had previously examined, the study found.


Monday, May 11, 2015

Bad News: Penis worms have teeth.
Good News: They don't want your penis.

Penis worms started burrowing into ocean sediments  over 500 million years ago. Relax. There are probably none in your own penis.

These gruesome creatures are capable of turning their mouths inside out and dragging themselves around by their tooth-lined throat.

Now scientists have found that these bizarre dental structure could be key in helping find previously unknown penis worm species from all over the world.

Since penis worms are among the first-ever predators, discovery of new species is important for helping scientists understand how animal life on Earth developed.

Reconstructing the teeth of penis worms, or priapulids, in fine detail has enabled researchers to compile a 'dentist's handbook' of the species.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Down-Undah, a man put a fork inside his penis

A 70-year-old man in Canberra, Australia showed up at a hospital's emergency department with a 4-inch fork lodged in his penis.

The steel cutlery item was inserted into his urethra for his sexual gratification, a write-up in the International Journal of Surgery Case Reports said. It remains uncertain how the patient thought that could be achieved.
The fork was not visible from the outside but doctors were able to feel it.

"The motives for insertion of a variety of objects are difficult to comprehend", the report, titled "An Unusual Urethral Foreign Body," said. Understatement of the year.


Thursday, May 7, 2015

Woman guilty of throwing husband's penis in garbage disposal

A Southern California jury convicted a woman who was accused of drugging her estranged husband before severing his penis and tossing it in the garbage disposal. Jurors found Catherine Kieu guilty Monday of charges of torture and aggravated mayhem for the July 11, 2011, attack.

During trial, the 60-year-old victim testified that his penis could not be reattached and that he felt as though he had been murdered.

Deputy District Attorney John Christl told jurors that Kieu, 50, drugged the man's tofu with sleeping pills and screamed "You deserve it!" before attacking him with a 10-inch kitchen knife.

Kieu was jealous and angry about her husband's plans to divorce her because he was seeing his ex-girlfriend, the prosecution said.

Audio of the incident was captured by a voice-activated recorder Kieu had hidden in the bedroom, Christl said.

The man married Kieu after they met at a gym but soon subjected Kieu to verbal and sexual abuse, Kieu's public defender, Frank Bittar, said during trial.

Kieu had mental health problems caused by a childhood full of molestation and other trauma in war-torn Vietnam and her husband also constantly demanded sex in ways that caused her pain, Bittar said.


Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Firefighters rescued man's penis from toaster

British firefighters came to the rescue of a man who got his penis stuck in a toaster.

We know that "some like it hot," but it is unclear exactly what the humiliated man had in mind. Fortunately London's bravest municipal employees were able to extricate his manhood from the electrical device.

Sadly, the toaster died. It had to be destroyed to save the weenie.

Another penile adventurer got his dick lodged in a vacuum cleaner.

And the ultra-professional London Fire Brigade staff  had to free 79 people from handcuffs in just three years alone.

These embarrassing incidents are just some of 1,300 involving people being trapped or stuck which have been attended by London Fire Brigade since 2010. Each rescue mission costs over $400.

That's expensive toast.


Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Stop stuffing socks -- new development in penis falsies

Females have been stuffing their bras with Kleenex and other materials for years, and commercial falsies and enhancing bras and underpants are readily available. Women with bigger budgets can get silicone implants.

Anatomical enhancements for men go back to 15th century codpieces, and maybe even earlier. Some men use socks.

Technology has not stood still, and reality star Andrew Christian (whom I've never heard of) is offering a Shock Jock Flirt Brief with Male Features—undies with a fake penis to wear over your real penis.

For $29.00, you can purchase a penis-enhancing combination pack that includes the following:
• Color-matched Active Shaping Technology Cup with authentic looking male features (also sold separately)
• Adds up to 2" to your frontal measurement
• Cup provides support and helps protect against zipper injury; looks completely natural
• Fabric has stretch and recovery to prevent bagging and sagging

It's a shell penis that you put your real penis into, to enhance your natural gift. It's available in white and black, and is circumcised.

Randy Andy does not tell us what customers are supposed to say if their falsie is circumcised and their genuine weenie is natural, or how it feels to grind a fake dick against fake breasts.


Monday, May 4, 2015

Italian athlete used pee-filled fake penis to cheat on test

In 2013 an Italian long-distance runner was summoned and put under investigation by the country's Olympic committee, CONI, for allegedly trying to use a fake penis to beat a doping test.

Devis Licciardi, an athlete for the Italian Air Force team, allegedly filled up a fake penis with urine uncontaminated by banned substances and tried to use it during a test at the race to proclaim Italy's 10km road-running champion at Molfetta, near Bari.


Friday, May 1, 2015

Creepy Hindu penis theology

If you saw "Around the World in 80 Days" you may remember the rescue of a widow from committing suicide on her husband's funeral pyre. That self-immolation is called sati, and has been illegal in India since 1829. British colonial rulers estimated 500–600 instances of sati per year

If you think that sati (and holy cows) are weird, check out Hindu weenie worship!

The Lingam is the symbol of the penis of the Hindu god Shiva. Within the trinity of Hinduism, Shiva is the god of destruction and change.

In Hindu mythology, when Shiva is killed, the goddess Kali squats over his body, rips out and eats his organs, and then mounts his still erect weener to complete the cycle of creation. In most Hindu art and temples, Shiva's holy dick is usually depicted without the rest of him, and is worshiped all by itself.

Out of a billion or so Hindus in the world, about 100 million belong to various sects that focus on Shiva, Kali and the giant Lingam.

Worshiping the linga is pretty straightforward. First, you have to make it wet, either by pouring water or milk over it. Then just say your prayers and meditate. Smaller, pocket-sized lingas should be held in the hand and rubbed while meditating, and you're well on your way to a religious experience.


In the interest of fairness, I'll point out that according to Wikipedia, although this interpretation is disputed by others, including Christopher Isherwood, Vivekananda, Swami Sivananda, and S.N. Balagangadhara the lingam is not a phallic symbol.