"If it weren't for the penis, human life would have ended with Adam and Eve.
It seems strange that something so important is so funny-looking.
I'm an author and journalist. Sometimes I write about funny things.
Some of those funny things are penises."
--Michael N. Marcus

Monday, February 2, 2015

Jewish and Italian penises

“Schmuck” is the Jewish term for a penis or a fool. A "schmeckel" is a small one. "Putz" is also a Jewish term for both. A "petzel" is a small one.

An Italian word that I can't spell accurately but sounds like chedrool serves as both penis and fool, too. 

Here's a schmuck joke:
Bernie lived in Miami Beach. He had an acquaintance, Tony, who was very good looking and had great “luck” with all the women in town. As Bernie was feeling lonely and desiring some female companionship, he asks Tony for advice.

Tony, actually disliking Bernie, decides to steer him the wrong way. He tells Bernie that a great way to attract women is to get noticed and a sure fire way would be to dress up in a safari outfit and get a camel and parade up and down Collins Ave. Bernie took the advice, looked totally, absolutely, ridiculously foolish, but being oblivious to that, he continued his jaunts for a full month. 

Every night Bernie would tie the camel to a lamppost outside his condominium. One morning he goes to get the camel and it’s missing. He guesses it’s probably stolen. He calls the police and the first question they ask is "What color was your camel?" Bernie says he doesn't remember. "Maybe some sort of a brownish camel color”.

"And how many humps did this camel have?' asks the policeman.

"Who counts. One or two, I don't remember."

"What was the height of the camel?"

"Now I’m suppose to know how tall it was? Maybe the camel was about 9 or 10 feet tall. I don’t know for sure.”

"OK, here’s the last question to finish my report. Was the camel male or female?" Bernie answers, “The camel was definitely a male.”

"How can you be so certain of his sex when you don't remember anything else about your camel" asks the cop.

"Well," says Bernie, " Every day I'd ride the camel through the streets of Miami Beach and people would stop and say to each other, 'Look at the schmuck on that camel!' "

More dirty Jewish talk in
Dirty Yiddish: Everyday Slang from "What's Up?" to "F*%# Off!" by my friend Adrienne Gusoff 

More dirty Italian talk in Dirty Italian: Everyday Slang from "What's Up?" to "F*%# Off!"  by Gabrielle Euvino

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