"If it weren't for the penis, human life would have ended with Adam and Eve.
It seems strange that something so important is so funny-looking.
I'm an author and journalist. Sometimes I write about funny things.
Some of those funny things are penises."
--Michael N. Marcus

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Why don't basketball players wear penis-protection?

The fabulous Fugs sang in "Boobs A Lot":

Well, down on the football,
Football field,
You never can tell
What a heel can wield,

So you gotta wear your jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)
Jock a lot, jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)

I thought that penile protection was universal in men's sports, but apparently not.
According to Slate, This year’s playoffs have been tough on NBA players’ groins. Draymond Green kicked things off when he swung his leg between Steven Adams’ legs during the Western Conference Finals. Dahntay Jones clocked Bismack Biyombo in the testicles in the Eastern Conference Finals, Matthew Dellavedova punched Andre Iguodala’s crotch in Game 1 of the NBA Finals, and then Green struck again with a “retaliatory swipe” to the groin of LeBron James in Game 4, a move which got him suspended from Monday night’s Game 5.

These below-the-belt hits raised a slew of questions about the players’ intentions and what constitutes a flagrant foul. But it also brought to mind a more fundamental issue: Why weren’t any of these guys wearing cups?

Because, despite recent evidence to the contrary, playing professional basketball isn’t all that perilous for one’s family jewels. Earlier this year, ESPN’s Tom Haberstroh wrote a comprehensive account of testicular trauma in the NBA. For that piece, he spoke to Dr. Stephen Strup, the chief of urology at the University of Kentucky, who explained that the discomfort of wearing a cup isn’t worth it given the minimal risk of getting hit in the nether regions. “There isn’t enough of an issue to wear a cup,” Strup said. “It’s hard to generate enough pressure for major injuries to occur in basketball. You see the guys go out, they’re uncomfortable and they can’t function a little bit, but usually they’re back in a few minutes.”

Monday, March 7, 2016

Time to deal with Donny's Dick

I'm very sorry. I really should have posted something sooner about the Republican Wiener Fest.

For those of us in genital news, it's like the equivalent of the Olympics combined with a tsunami and Hillary getting caught in bed with a Kardashian.

Frankly, I was overwhelmed. I just didn't know where to begin.

Fortunately, those wonderful folks at College Humor have done my work for me. CLICK to enjoy.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Trump grabs & jiggles his microphone like others grab & jiggle penises. Does it make him feel potent?

Donny doesn't try to adjust the microphone. He doesn't move it to make his voice stronger. He just touches it, jiggles it and embraces it. Does it help him to overpower the competition?

See the video.

Donny hated a microphone recently and refused to pay the rental fee. See the video.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Does Donald Trump have a penis problem?

97% of the time, before Donald Trump begins to speak at a podium, he grasps the microphone.

He reminds me of a little boy who keeps touching his crotch to make sure his penis is still there.

And last night Donny said that Hillary Clinton was "schlonged" by Barack Obama during the 2008 primary.

Trump spokesperson: 'What does schlonged mean?'

Little boy pic from pramspooandpanic.com. Thanks.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Woman jailed for tricking woman to have sex with fake penis

A woman in England who tricked her female friend into having sex by pretending to be a man for two years has been jailed for eight years.

Gayle Newland, 25, disguised her appearance and voice as she persuaded the other woman to put on a blindfold when they met up.

The pair had sex about 10 times until the complainant ripped off her mask and in disbelief saw Newland wearing a prosthetic penis.

Newland was found guilty on three charges of sexual assault following a trial.


Friday, December 4, 2015

Wrestler Joey Ryan is victorious despite penis grab-n-twist

 The competition to find a finishing move better than Joey Ryan’s is gonna be stiff.
The wrestler won his match with Danshoku Dino in Osaka, Japan, by using penis power.
Dino grabbed Ryan’s crotch and the mustached mauler disapprovingly shook his head — “No, no, no,” he said — before flexing his penis and dropping Dino in pain.
Why didn’t he just let go?
It’s pro wrestling, that’s why. And if he let go, we wouldn’t have this video.
The move ends with Ryan somehow flipping Dino onto his back without ever putting a finger on him.
“I have to give credit where credit is due,” Ryan told Vice Sports of his move, which has gone viral. “Danshoku Dino, who I was wrestling in the match, he plays a very unorthodox character, very homoerotic to say the least. Part of his offense is to inappropriately touch and grab opponents for the thrill of it, or maybe to throw them off their game a bit. He speaks very little English, but wrestlers can usually speak wrestling, so we understand something. So we're going over the match and he says 'Maybe I grab, maybe you no sell, because American cock so big and so strong.' So it was kind of his idea. We both play sexual characters so it fit with us.”
Whatever he does next, it’ll be hard to top this move.

(from NY Daily News)

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

33 Months Later, Here's What Happened to Bill Gates's Condom of the Future

In March 2013, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation challenged the world to reinvent the condom — a device that's been around for centuries yet has seen minimal technological improvement in the past 50 years.
The goal: to create a "next-generation condom that significantly preserves or enhances pleasure, in order to improve uptake and regular use," according to the foundation's Global Grand Challenges website. The most promising designers would score $100,000 in seed funding, plus a chance at an additional $1 million to further finance their projects.
It was the answer many people had been waiting for. For folks with penises, and their partners, latex is limiting and unpleasant. It reduces sensation; smells, tastes and looks unappealing; is tough to apply; and can cause allergic reactions. Only a small fraction of the world's population regularly uses them.
Twice the Gates Foundation announced a handful of winning grant recipients, all with exciting new ideas. One design incorporated a nifty applicator to help you get the condom on quickly and painlessly. Another would cling to your penis like Saran Wrap. Yet another would contain graphene, an ultra-strong material that could rule out breakage. Many people, long fed up with the limitations and unpleasantness of latex, rejoiced at the news.
And so began the waiting period to finally put those next-gen condoms into action.
We're still waiting. After the initial thrill of receiving the grant, some recipients learned that getting a new, non-latex condom through FDA trials and eventually to market is an arduous process. It requires many years and many millions of dollars — barriers so high, it's no wonder our drug store aisles are still dominated by the same prophylactics.
Grant recipient Mark McGlothlin, president of Apex Medical Technologies, seemed almost amused when Mic asked him for updates on his condom's production process. There were no updates, he said.
Apex's grant-winning vision was dubbed the "Ultra-Sensitive Reconstituted Collagen Condom." Made from collagen found in bovine tendons, it was designed to replicate the feeling of your partner's actual skin. Described by McGlothlin as a new-and-improved take on traditional lambskin condoms, the design purportedly has no odor or taste. "We made a better version of what mother nature made," he said.
His company developed a successful prototype, McGlothlin said, but can't move forward with getting it to market unless someone funds it in a "very major sort of way" — more money than the Gates Foundation can provide, unfortunately, even if McGlothlin receives the additional $1 million in funding.
"It probably is more than a million dollars just to get through FDA approval," McGlothlin said. "It's a brutal process."
McGlothin assured Mic he is wholly grateful to the Gates Foundation. "But for all the publicity they got on the condom project," he said, $1 million "just won't get the product to market. That's the frustrating part." (The Gates Foundation could not respond to our request for comment in time.)
Condoms are not popular. Only around 5% of men worldwide are estimated to use them — despite their 98% effectiveness at preventing unwanted pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and HIV.
Among U.S. women ages 15 through 44, only 10% use condoms as a form of contraception, according to a recent CDC report. That's fewer than the number of women who prevent unwanted pregnancies via the pill (17%) and female sterilization (also 17%). And of all American adolescents who engaged in sexual intercourse in the past month, nearly 25% of guys and nearly 40% of women opted not to use a condom, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

And yet the demand for pregnancy prevention is enormous: In 2006, the CDC estimates that 49% of U.S. pregnancies were unintended.
That's not to mention the rampant spread of HIV across the globe. 2014 saw approximately 2 million new cases of HIV worldwide, bringing the total number of people living with HIV/AIDS to 36.9 million by the end of 2014, according to the World Health Organization. Sub-Saharan Africa is home to the majority of people living with HIV — approximately 25.8 million in 2014.
You can see why there's a push — from the Gates Foundation, the hundreds of innovators who submitted condom proposals, and others — to create condoms that are easier and more pleasurable to use.


Friday, October 30, 2015

WTF? Newest female sex toys are not shaped like penises

As the male sexual organ, the penis was designed to transport sperm from one body into another. As an added feature, the penis can also summon orgasm in a female partner during this process. But we know this isn’t always the case. While a healthy male organ works pretty well for its intended reproductive purpose, there are some design flaws in terms of maximizing female pleasure.
So what if you could redesign the penis, make it a little bit better? Which pieces would you change, and which would you keep? Erasing the need for reproductive functionality, would you scrap the whole thing and start from scratch? In the end, would this magic device—capable of bringing women waves of pleasure—even resemble the penis in its current human form?
Welcome to the world of modern-day vibrators, a place largely devoid of the original pleasure device.
As sex toys have become increasingly sleek and modern—taking cues from the minimalistic designs of like Apple and Ikea—one clear trend has emerged: They no longer look like human penises. In fact, they no longer look human at all—which, according to designers, entrepreneurs, and sex therapists alike, is a very good thing.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Cops arrested woman for ruining a penis

 A Florida woman on the lam from charges she ruined a man's penis by injecting it with fillers has been arrested. Nery Carvajal-Gonzalez, 48, has been charged with one count of unlicensed health care that caused serious injury and two counts of practicing without a medical license.
Authorities have been searching for her since a 55-year-old man claimed she injected his penis with an unknown substance to make it bigger and thicker. Instead, his organ was horribly disfigured, he said.
She was arrested after returning to Miami from Colombia, where she fled after the botched treatment. Gonzalez introduced the victim to "Dr. Mark" in a warehouse in Hialeah, where he was told the fillers in his penis would be removed in exchange for $1,000.
The alleged doctor was actually Mark Schreiber, a former plastic surgeon who had his licensed revoked seven years ago. He was arrested on a charge of illegally practicing medicine.
The victim told police that Schreiber gave him five pills before surgery, and he later passed out. His memory is sketchy until the next morning, when he woke at home, and discovered his penis wrapped in bloody bandages.
It was less than an inch long, he told investigators. The victim is no longer able to have sex, he told police.


Sunday, September 27, 2015

Man shot his penis as cops busted him for outdoor peeing


A 26-year-old man caught by cops taking a leak on a Brooklyn street early Saturday tried to toss his gun away but accidentally blasted himself in the dick.

Paramedics took Javier Thomas to Kings County Hospital with a non-life-threatening — but embarrassing and painful — wound. He was arrested for weapons possession and reckless endangerment.

(Confession: Javier may have merely shot himself near his penis, not his actual penis, but the news is funnier this way, and fun is more important than reality for this blog.)


Saturday, September 19, 2015

Man had five-day hard-on from Viagra overdose

Makers of pills to fight erectile dysfunction warn users to seek medical attention if a weenie stays rigid for four hours -- but what about FIVE DAYS?

Daniel Medforth ended up in a hospital after chugging 35 Viagra tabs in an hour, giving him a five-day erection.

The 36-year-old Brit took the pills “for a laugh” after a two-day bender.
Instead of feeling sexy he said: “I ended up feeling sick, dizzy and hallucinating — everything I saw was green. And I had a massive erection that would not go away.”
When he got home dad-of-two Daniel confessed to his shocked wife, who phoned for  an ambulance.

He was kept in the hospital for 36 hours for observation. Daniel said: “The paramedics were very professional but you could see they were trying not to laugh. The doctors and nurses told me off.”

After he was discharged Daniel spent the next few days in bed.

He said: “It wasn’t a permanent erection but every time I brushed against something for five days it sprang into life — and it was no use to me. Fortunately my wife has forgiven me and I realize I have been very, very lucky.”


Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Another 'responsible gun owner' shot his own penis

A man in Macon, Georgia accidentally shot himself in the penis while attempting to holster his gun last week.
The man was parked at a gas station and was attempting to put away the weapon when it discharged, striking him in the nether regions. He immediately drove to a friend’s house.
The victim dropped his pants to find that he had shot himself in the dick and that the bullet had exited his body through his ass. As he disrobed, the spent round fell to the floor.

Photo from buy-gun-holsters.blogspot.com